Never tell me the odds…

.. no really!

Rant time!

Now if you have read any of our other blogs or watched any of our videos you will know by now that I, Straw, am not the luckiest of players! Now this boils down to simple facts, firstly, I am sure all of my opponents must be cheating (I am joking, but I’m watching you all) that or the fact that I really am shit! Tactics wise I rock like a rock god on rock god day! But in the end it boils down to those bastard little dice things!

pile of dice
Must destroy…

And trust me at the moment there is only one thing in this entire universe that I hate more than these random number generators and that  is (Parker? Working? 40k? Unicorns?) wait for it, wait,

AARRGGHHH!!! No, hold on I mean, Fucking AARRGGHH!!!

yes you guessed it, bloody engineers! Should I explain? Not really, if you are a Guild Ball player (if not go play now) you will understand my pain! If however you are one of those dirty, dirty engineering playing people I say to you now, NO,NO and thrice more NO!

Now as a mortician player things are difficult enough for us as it is, but when you keep getting knocked down and your opponent gets that little glint in their eye when they say, oh that’s another momentous knockdown, and its all from at least 8″ away, the urge to kill suddenly begins to rise. And then to add insult to injury you have seven dice to roll, target number four, you give them that old special rattle (you know the one, best saved for when your on your own) and you let them fly! You see it all in slow motion, as they roll with a gentle elegance, clattering across the table top, finally coming to rest, you open your eyes and look. 1,1,1,1,1,1,3. WHAT THE FUCK?! You are kidding me right? Not a single 4+? You sit there in quiet contemplation, whilst thinking,


did that really just happen? Can I kill someone now?

Anyway, the point of this rant is that this actually happened to me yesterday, my morticians were soundly beaten by Mr P using engineers (grumble grumble) and then again with his alchemists! Hmm, not looking too good for the weekends games is it?

So the dice, love or hate, throw or caress, they may seem like your friends but trust me, they are not!

Well that’s me feeling slightly better, so I had better go get my war band painted in readiness for Fridays jaunt into Frostgrave (yes it will be recorded) and see if I can convert the Guild Ball system to a you don’t roll any dice and Straw automatically wins system! And we want to go try tournaments? Well least I will win lots of wooden spoons!

Till next time, stay away from the dice!

5 thoughts on “Never tell me the odds…

    1. HA! If he could roll sixes the way he rolls ones there’d be no complaining I’m sure. Tabletop games are bad enough but I always seem to roll shit in RPGs. The problem then is not just that you win or lose but all the other PCs think that you’re really shit and useless when you’ve actually got the best bow skill in the group! *deep breaths* Yes, I’m speaking from experience.

      Hope you get to see his rolling in the flesh one day Andy, it truly is a sight to behold.


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